Thursday, July 26, 2007

I'm dusting off my holy rollers. Ave Maria is open!

Yippee! Its time to toss some of that Catholic guilt and revel in some Catholic glee. Forget the fact the our very own Attorney General Abu Ghraib Gonzales, ya know.. the guy who oversees America's Justice Department... perjured himself. Forget the fact that Bush's latest Executive Order allows him to chuck aside the 5th Amendment and seize your assets. Forget the fact that a retired 3 star general is getting the Pat Tillman death cover-up placed at his feet exclusively. Focus instead on this: Ave Maria is open for business! The holy city, long a dream for Domino's Pizza billionaire wingnut Tom Monaghan, is probably one of Pope Benny's wet dreams... if he were allowed to have them, that is. The Yahoo News tape about the city showed a young couple who raced to Ave Maria to buy up 1 of the 11,000 homes. When asked if they would be okay with a gay couple buying a house next door to them.... a p-a-i-n-f-u-l silence.... followed by a meek: "Yeah, sure." Call me crazy, but this town won't allow porn, abortions, and contraceptives... somehow I'm thinking that Bryan and Ryan's home purchase will not be met with a neighborly rainbow "welcome" cake. Especially when you consider that Tom Monaghan is real tight with this gay-bashin'/ woman hatin' priest. And according to Monaghan's own words: If Monaghan had his way, Ave Maria would be God's town: "I thought we owned the real estate, so we can lease to whoever we want and put things in the contract, but there are laws and there were lawsuits out there," Monaghan said. Laws and lawsuits? Feh! Just do what Att Gen Gonzo does: Say fuck it. And apparantly, Monaghan is pretty anti-nooky, too: If ya send your kids to Ave Maria University, ya better stock up on chastity belts and/or back-up college plans. Why? Engaging in pre-marital sex is grounds for expulsion from the school. But hey... if the Fuzzy and Blue family were to head on down to Naples, FL and set up shop, I would finally be able to freely use these Holy Rollers, wear this Bible Belt, and nibble on these Little Baby Cheeses in full-on Catholic glee. But all Catholic glee set aside, there is one very serious matter one has to wonder about: What about the sun? Will it revolve AROUND the town since Monaghan wants only that authentic old-timey Catholicity and none of the "new-fangled" post medieval crap? And I'm no expert in the field of pizza like Mr Monaghan (who in 1998, sold 93% of his share in Domino’s to Bain Capital, Inc., the venture company founded in 1984 by Mitt Romney) but something tells me that ya won't be hearing this when ya order a pizza: "Ave Maria's pizza. No fetus can beat us. Can I take your order?"
Posted by Tina :: 9:30 AM :: 23 Comments:

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