Thursday, June 28, 2007
So many douchebags... so little time
As of late, I've tried to point out the absurd in a lighthearted way. But alas, the tipping point has been reached. In the past few days, EVERY SINGLE time I watched or read the news, I found myself shaking my head-- mouth agape-- looking around saying outloud: "Ya have got to be fucking kidding me, right? These douchebags CAN'T be serious?" Sadly, yes... these douchebags are serious: 1.) Bill O'Reilly blames the dead wife of murdering wrestler Chris Benoit and the dead pregnant girlfriend of cheating and murdering cop Bobby Cutts for THEIR OWN MURDERS. Oh yes. These women are somehow responsible for the murderous plans carried out by these men against themselves and the men's own biological children. I guess they should've exhausted their mind-reading skills to avoid being murdered by men who claimed to love them and their own kids. Well, I'd like to blame Bill's infected and dessicated butt plug for his obvious insanity... but I'm no medical expert. 2.) On Hardball, a perfectly healthy young Republican man (who was holding up a "Marry me Ann" sign) asked this question of Ann Coulter: "Harry Reid, Senate majority leader, Democrat obviously, has said the war is lost. He bragged about killing the Patriot Act. I didn‘t hear a peep out of him when we killed Zarqawi. Why aren‘t more Republicans calling the Democrats out on their apparent enthusiasm to lose the war?" Umm, while I dare not even begin to think that I can speak for Ann, I have to say firstly, how can you ask Ann to marry you, young man? I thought you people were against gay marriage. Secondly, Harry Reid wasn't the only one who said the war is lost. These guys said it. And so did this guy. And they are all military men. Thirdly, killing Zarawi has accomplished WHAT exactly? Violence and US troop deaths have only INCREASED since that guy was snuffed out. Taking him out has done what for us in Iraq? Fourthly, since we're talking about Iraq, you appear to be a perfectly healthy strapping boy who simply hearts the war. You aren't in combat boots in the middle of Baghdad WHY exactly? Oh that's right. Because chickenhawk douchebags like yourself might have to face guys like this poor bastard. Fifthly, Repukes aren't calling out Dems for losing this war because they know that their party's stranglehold rule for the past 6 yrs and their own beloved despot, King "you can't subpoena me" Clueless and his crazy-ass "I'm neither in the Executive nor the Legislative Branch" co-pilot Cheney, are 100% responsible for that. 3.) The Catholic Church is 100% insane... no, really: Human-animal hybrid embryos conceived in the laboratory (so-called “chimeras”) should be regarded as human and their mothers should be allowed to give birth to them and should be able to raise them as their own children if they wish, the Catholic Church said Tues. Umm, yeeeah. So, I'm guessing the Church will chip in and start a "baby- bootie" fund for such hybrid babies because something new and pretty special will have to be made to fit over the lil ones' hooves, right? 4.) The Director of the Congressional Budget Office, Dr. Peter Orszag, says that the amount of money lost to Bush's tax cuts equals the amount of the current deficit. So, those oh-so fiscally responsible conservatives will be chucking those tax cuts, right? Of course not. For fuck's sake, rather than eliminate those tax cuts and making rich folks live at Clinton level tax rates, let's just keep digging that ceaseless hole that my kids' grandkids will inherit. 5.) 24 House Dems voted "no" to defunding the office of Cheney the FourthBranch. On Dec 19, 1998, the House of Reps passed 2 articles of impeachment against William Jefferson Clinton... for lying about an extramarital blowjob. Compare that to just some of the crimes of Cheney. Truly un-fuckingbelievable. 6.) Mitt Romney, while travelling with his family yrs ago, strapped the family dog... to the top of their station wagon. The Greasy Mitt's explanation?: "He scrambled up there every time we went on trips, got in all by himself and enjoyed it," Romney said of the Irish Setter. Got in all by himself.... up on TOP of the car?.... uh huh. And lastly, 7.) Bush reveals our secret plan for democratizing Arab countries by telling Iraq this: Act like Israel.
Ya know what? I was wrong. These deranged jackasses insult douchebags.